now this is the part where i tell you about all the research i did about creativity and where i stems from and all that. except i didn't do any research. i didn't do any of that i'm just yapping.
thinking about all that of course i started getting all jealous and self doubt-y. because i'm not creative. like at all really. everything i've done ever has been done by someone else and 20x better. i think i heard somewhere that creativity is a skill. but how do you increase it? idk. i don't even remember where i heard that from. this was gonna be longer but i'm honestly so out of it right now. i spent my morning scrolling on instagram reels which is AWFUL. i try so hard to stay away from it. i never do that in the morning. when it happens its at night. either way it's BAD. and it's especially bad in the morning because i seriously can't focus anything since i got off. coming back to reality is such a mentally painful experience. realizing you're alive and you actually have to be human after basically not existing for hours is just???? it's uncomfortable. and it happens to me often because i'm a serial daydreamer. it's been a problem like my entire life really (well as far back as i can remember) and since it's gotten worse i started to suspect that i have MDD (maladaptive daydreaming disorder). then again, i am a hypochondriac and i think i have every mental and physical illness under the sun. this is an exaggeration but barely lol. there is in fact something wrong with me. i just don't know what it is. so i cling to anything that fits my symptoms. it's truly pathetic. hey, what was i talkin about?
right, creativity. yeah, that shit sucks. i feel like my borderline addiction to social media and self sabotaging is definitely killing my creativity. i can't think about anything if all i'm ever doing is thinking about and looking at everyone else. there have times where i was able to detach from my phone and it felt great! but each time i was just fall right back and start feeling bad at myself again which somehow turns into me wishing i was dead. this one, unfortunately, is not an exaggeration.
i have fantasies about smashing my phone with a hammer. i have fantasies about leaving the internet and deleting my entire social presence. but i feel like i can't. like idk, i HAVE to use social media if i want to make a career out of my art and start a business and sell my stuff and blah blah blah all that jazz. because i don't want a real job. i just don't. but i am not mentally capable enough to put in the work that is required to build up a platform. also another is my art isn't very "attractive" or "appealing". it is to me of course and maybe other people that like bright colors and cartoons. but that's not what's hip and cool right now. a lot of the art that does well on instagram-which is like my main social media because i deleted my twitter because twitter is fucking abysmal-is really boring to me. it's all the same shit. all these similar copy and paste art styles. yes i sound like a total ass but it's true! and i don't wanna make boring cookie cutter shit in some stupid overused and in my opinion flat and boring art style just to please an algorithm. i don't want my art to become content yk? sometimes i really just wanna throw it all away and just draw whatever i want without thinking about ANYTHING. my skill, followers, likes whatever it may be i just don't wanna care about it. i just wanna make stuff and not wanna kill myself while doing it.
this has gone on too long and has completely left the realm of the original conversation. i am stalling really hard right now because i have no idea what the fuck i'm gonna do once this blog sesh ends. i write some plans in my planner and i currently don't have the mental energy to do ANY of them. but i can't sit here and type forever. my arm is hurting.
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