getting out of bed (depressiony)

this one might be a short one idk yet. nah most likely bc of how not great I'm feeling. well been feeling. 

it's so hard to get out of bed lately. like harder than usual. it's been hard for some time but lately it's just been like "everything feels better if I just do nothing". that's what it feels like. like exactly. if I just do nothing but lay here in rot in my daydreams them everything feels fine. of course that's not true though. everything is in fact the opposite of fine. everything because worse and worse and harder and harder every time I stay in bed for longer. it's so easy to just not get up. to fall back asleep. to not even try. it's just so easy! but it's wrong. uh. I cant really think straight. I'm really just laying here. and when I get up I'm gonna be unhappy probably. I'm very unhappy just all the time. my hormones are making it feel worse right now lol. but it doesnt change the fact that even when it isnt like this I am still extremely unhappy. its hot. I cant even feel comfortable in this stupid useless body. I am constantly fluctuating between sweaty and freezing all the time. I am just extremely uncomfortable. extremely unhappy. extremely fucking useless. it is the worst. I always like to think about how much better it would be if I were someone else. in a different body. but I'm not someone else and I'm stuck in this one until I die. unless I steal someone's flesh and wear them like a meat suit.

my eyes are so dry feeling. everything just sucks and I'm wanna kill myself. it's so hot. once I take this jacket off I'm gonna be freezing. I hate everything.

you should smash your phone with a hammer

    i watched Nimona for the first time a few days ago. i hadn't watched it at the time it came out because i didn't have access to netflix at the time. it was a really good movie. i feel like i haven't really enjoyed much new stuff in a while so it was nice. but after i watched it it got me thinkin':"how do people think of this shit?" then it got me thinkin about other cartoons and stories and comics that i like with very unique and interesting stories. i was just thinking like wow. why can't i do that? how do people get such creative and unique ideas like that? 

    now this is the part where i tell you about all the research i did about creativity and where i stems from and all that. except i didn't do any research. i didn't do any of that i'm just yapping. 

    thinking about all that of course i started getting all jealous and self doubt-y. because i'm not creative. like at all really. everything i've done ever has been done by someone else and 20x better. i think i heard somewhere that creativity is a skill. but how do you increase it? idk. i don't even remember where i heard that from. this was gonna be longer but i'm honestly so out of it right now. i spent my morning scrolling on instagram reels which is AWFUL. i try so hard to stay away from it. i never do that in the morning. when it happens its at night. either way it's BAD. and it's especially bad in the morning because i seriously can't focus anything since i got off. coming back to reality is such a mentally painful experience. realizing you're alive and you actually have to be human after basically not existing for hours is just???? it's uncomfortable. and it happens to me often because i'm a serial daydreamer. it's been a problem like my entire life really (well as far back as i can remember) and since it's gotten worse i started to suspect that i have MDD (maladaptive daydreaming disorder). then again, i am a hypochondriac and i think i have every mental and physical illness under the sun. this is an exaggeration but barely lol. there is in fact something wrong with me. i just don't know what it is. so i cling to anything that fits my symptoms. it's truly pathetic. hey, what was i talkin about?

right, creativity. yeah, that shit sucks. i feel like my borderline addiction to social media and self sabotaging is definitely killing my creativity. i can't think about anything if all i'm ever doing is thinking about and looking at everyone else. there have times where i was able to detach from my phone and it felt great! but each time i was just fall right back and start feeling bad at myself again which somehow turns into me wishing i was dead. this one, unfortunately, is not an exaggeration.

    i have fantasies about smashing my phone with a hammer. i have fantasies about leaving the internet and deleting my entire social presence. but i feel like i can't. like idk, i HAVE to use social media if i want to make a career out of my art and start a business and sell my stuff and blah blah blah all that jazz. because i don't want a real job. i just don't. but i am not mentally capable enough to put in the work that is required to build up a platform. also another is my art isn't very "attractive" or "appealing". it is to me of course and maybe other people that like bright colors and cartoons. but that's not what's hip and cool right now. a lot of the art that does well on instagram-which is like my main social media because i deleted my twitter because twitter is fucking abysmal-is really boring to me. it's all the same shit. all these similar copy and paste art styles. yes i sound like a total ass but it's true! and i don't wanna make boring cookie cutter shit in some stupid overused and in my opinion flat and boring art style just to please an algorithm. i don't want my art to become content yk? sometimes i really just wanna throw it all away and just draw whatever i want without thinking about ANYTHING. my skill, followers, likes whatever it may be i just don't wanna care about it. i just wanna make stuff and not wanna kill myself while doing it.

    this has gone on too long and has completely left the realm of the original conversation. i am stalling really hard right now because i have no idea what the fuck i'm gonna do once this blog sesh ends. i write some plans in my planner and i currently don't have the mental energy to do ANY of them. but i can't sit here and type forever. my arm is hurting.

blog.

 yep. i've made a blogger. 

now i'm realizing that this and dreamwidth are like the exact same thing. so i totally could've just made my FNF blog on here. or ykw i could've made this blog over there. there was no reason for me to make a blog here when i've already got a dreamwidth account. but whatever. i have learned my lesson. i'm gonna have way too many webpages to manage. speaking of which, you know what else i have? a fucking neocities. i CAN CODE. am i great at it? no. but can i build a decent looking, simple but janky lookin website? yes. so i totally could've just made a blog over THERE too. but i really didn't feel like building up a blog page there. though i will say, even though the whole you know drag n drop and select colors YK not using css thing is much easier, i think i like building my garbage from the ground up instead of using that sort of thing like i did here. this page prolly would've looked cooler if i built it up myself. but i just didn't feel like it lol. i'm kinda wishing i did now that i'm sayin all this. but i'm not. i should've. but i won't. i have a lot more pages that i need to make for my neocities that i deem more important than a stupid blog. 

why did i make a blog here anyways? no one even uses this shithole!

well i just like blogging. that's it. it's just a silly fun thing to do. and i'm a bit of nerd. i like to read and write things. well i like to read and write when i have the energy to do so.........which is.........not as often as i would like if i'm being honest. i have a lot of demons to fight. mental demons. i don't feel like getting depressing on the first blog tho. so i'll get from that.

i was blogging on Spacehey bc it's cool but ehhhh. i just wasn't vibing over there. the community is kinda ass and i was getting too depressing over there. i kinda started using it more like a diary than a blog. i still wanna keep my spacehey but i don't know what'll do with it. i don't wanna be depressed over there anymore. not only is it pathetic but it's just dumb lol. so currently it just exist but i won't blog much there maybe.

anyways yeah. i honestly don't know how often i'll update here. every once in awhile just to ramble. there's a part of me that wants to make a seperate blog specifically for talking about art but ggggolly thats a ton more work. i'll think about it i suppose.